Coronavirus is Killing Your Libido
A couple of weeks into the Coronavirus pandemic, I began to get calls from old and new clients with what was an expected problem. The stress, anxiety and uncertainty surrounding the disease and the loss of millions of jobs, stress of standing in lines and finding empty shelves where there was once essential items, and the orders to stay away from people and stay in your homes was really weighing on us. Clients were having difficulty sleeping, they were overeating, and this forced vacation from school and work was quickly becoming old.
The experts were telling us to wash our hands, social distance ourselves, and to the extent possible maintain a sense of normalcy. Well, this new normal was clearly changing the way we interact with our spouses and partners. In our pre-pandemic lives, couples/partners would go about their typical routines of being out of the home and away from each other for eight to ten hours a day. Perhaps you would return and have a date night, or share dinner and recount your day, or perhaps you would share a conversation you had with a friend or colleague about something interesting. There would be a reconnecting between you and your partner. However, we now find ourselves looking for ways to create our own space within the confinement of our homes.
Slowly, and almost imperceptibly, many people began to feel closed in; closed in by the space; closed in by the situation; closed in by their partner. And the impact of this constant bombardment of stress combined with the inability to find space is having its toll on how people feel.
As I began to search more deeply into what they were saying and not saying, I was hearing things that began to raise red flags. I found that I was hearing a common theme starting to surface. Now before I get into what I was hearing, I want to share something that I also was seeing.
In an interesting marketing twist, the online porn sites such as PornHub and YouPorn began to advertise free service to help people through the stress of the pandemic. And while toilet paper was becoming a scarce resource, online retailers are seeing a serious surge in the sale sex toys. And these toys are not just for those who are isolated due to social distancing. No, let’s put it on the line, sex feels good and it breaks up the boredom and routine. I will come back to the benefits in a bit. For now, let me leave that hanging there.
The red flags that my clients talked about outwardly dealt with their sleeplessness, anxiety, and fear. As we spoke more, they also shared that they were noticing that they weren’t feeling “IT”. They were feeling that their drive was on life-support. And when questioned further, both the men and women who were reaching out to me shared that they would find some personal space to slip away and masturbate. This too makes sense since it is “me time”, feels good, and relieves the boredom
Now, I am sure that like me, none of this is news or a surprise. Perhaps you find that I could well be describing the situation you are finding yourself in at the present. We know that libido is often the first victim of stress. The thing is that most people mistakenly equate libido to sex drive when it is truly much more than that. One of the most highly respected in the area of helping people overcome sexual issues through hypnosis is a woman in the U.K., Kaz Riley. Riley who is one of the most sought-after speakers and trainers in the world of hypnosis and the founder of Sexual Freedom Hypnosis , teaches therapists and clinicians how to improve the psycho-sexual functioning of consenting adults. Kaz’s definition of libido is far more comprehensive than simply sex-drive. According to Kaz, “ libido is a desire to connect. It is a sensual feeling and a desire to move forward. It is not just about having sex.” This “life-force” as Riley calls it, is a primary driver that is there to help us succeed and achieve and to feel good.
The issue at hand (no pun intended), is that stress and anxiety become a loop which feed on themselves and create disruptions in our desire to share intimacy. It is well known that humans thrive with touch. For too many people who are shut-in away from others, they are failing to thrive. In fact, they are actually unintentionally harming themselves because they cannot engage in their normal routines of exercising, grooming and gaining the energy that we get from connecting with others and by overeating or eating the wrong foods, and masturbating to attempt to make themselves feel better. I wrote the following in an earlier blog article: “We are, as humans, hardwired to seek connection. Study after study shows that people, especially, infants fail to thrive when they are deprived of human touch. Social touch is a powerful force in human development, shaping social reward, attachment, cognitive, communication, and emotional regulation from infancy and throughout life[i]. Yet, the social isolation, imposed loss of identity through job loss, unrelenting stress triggers, and continual uncertainty by politicians and fear mongers who continually move the “cheese” as we run through the maze, just exacerbates the deleterious effects on each of us.”
The death of our libido’s is serious. It is not just the loss of our sex drive; it is the loss of our feeling of intimacy and the long-term damage it is doing to us. And it isn’t going to be fixed with a little blue pill, or a new toy, or another video. No, right now, the only way that you are going to juice up your libido is by following these really important steps. Otherwise, you very well may find that it too is one of the casualties of the pandemic.
MOUTH TO MOUTH FOR YOUR LIBIDO
Reviving your drooping libido is going to take some elbow grease. You are going to have to take matters into your hands and really start a regimen of self-care. Start by losing the porn. PLEASE! I am not against porn. In fact, porn can be a great tool for spicing things up, if you remember that it is not real. I am, however, against using porn, or drugs or alcohol or food as an island of refuge from your pain, fear, and anxiety. That pain, fear, and anxiety that many are feeling is one of the biggest things you are facing. If you are struggling with the impact that any of these are having on your life, then reach out to me and see how hypnosis can help you break the cycle.
So, the first step to self-care is learning to become mindful. It means getting back to eating right, drinking plenty of water, taking time to practice mindfulness or other meditation. Mindfulness practice is not just about sitting quietly and clearing one’s mind. It is about learning to be present and focused in this moment. You can practice mindfulness when you are outside, socially distant from others, and walking. And as you walk mindfully, things begin to change. Perhaps, you become aware of the absence of airplane or car noises now. Maybe, you begin to notice the wonderful smells around and the colors of nature. I am amazed at how many people who tell me that they discover things that they have passed hundreds of times once they begin to do things mindfully.
One of the most amazing gifts of mindfulness is learning to eat mindfully. How much of the time do you eat a meal and before you know it, it is gone, and you have no idea what it tasted like. What if, you stopped and looked at your food? What if you smelled the smells and savored the tastes? What if instead of the usual bedroom routine of lips, t*ts and below the hips, you and your partner sensuously shared a piece of fruit or a glass of wine with the only goal being that of being able to experience this moment with them. Imagine how much better you and your partner’s experience will be when you are both present and focused on each other.
Libido is about the journey, not the destination. Instead of becoming another victim of this pandemic, you have the most unique opportunity to spend time and put real effort into your relationship. It is not about achieving orgasm, though they feel great and release a host of endorphins and feel good hormones. Libido is far more than that. Now, maybe more than ever before, we need purposeful, loving, connection. The connection that comes from long hugs or sitting close to each other looking deeply into the windows of their being or with your hand on their hearts synchronizing your breathing and heartbeat. Now, more than ever before, we need to connect by shutting out the world, the noise and insanity, and allow the energy that attracted us to that other person to flow. And when you do that, when you mindfully engage in connecting and meet their needs, you will be amazed at how the desire to move forward and again be real with each other will break through.
[i] Social touch and human development
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Marc Marshall is a certified clinical and stage hypnotist, medical hypnotist and certified mind-body specialist, author and motivational speaker at the New Jersey Hypnosis Center in Summit NJ. He specializes in dealing with trauma, sexual trauma, pain, medical hypnosis and works with clients to empower and teach them how to improve their lives through hypnosis and mindfulness practice. For more information or to schedule an appointment or interview, email firstname.lastname@example.org or visit his website – www.hypnomarc.com
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